Health and Beauty · imperfect · Mom Moments · pregnancy

A Real Weight Loss Plan for New Moms

At three months postpartum, people keep commenting on how great I look!  While it is very flattering, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “you should see me naked…it’s all an illusion.”   As most new moms know, things shift and your body isn’t

model
Yeah right!

quite the same…at least not at three months postpartum (unless you are a super freak celebrity who pays people to help you get back to that chic “I only eat kale” look.  In reality, I am about 5 pounds down from my pre-baby weight, and I’m here to tell all of you moms out there that you can do it, too!! I’ve got some special tips and tricks to teach you how to drop that baby weight.You may be surprised (or NOT) that I am not going to give you delicious recipes that include ingredients such as ghee, chia seeds, homemade granola, and organic tomatoes from my backyard garden.  You may also be surprised (or NOT) that I have not stepped foot in a gym since the week before Harlow was born in 2013.  God bless all those women who write blogs (that are probably cooler than mine) giving advice on what to eat to lose your baby weight and how to transform your body with “simple exercises”.  I read them and get all motivated!!  And then I take a step back and say “who the fuck has the time to do all that?!?!”.  Umm, no.  I am not going to go to the Farmer’s Market every day to get fresh vegetables to prepare a morning smoothie; I don’t even know where to buy ghee (or what ghee even is!); and I hardly have time to take a full shower (pits, tits, and lady bits are all that get washed sometimes).  So, here are my secrets to post-baby weight loss:

  1. Have a baby when you already have two kids 3 and under at home.  Do you know how busy a 3 year old and an almost 2 year old are?  Then throw in a newborn.  I never have time to sit down!  When I actually do sit down, it’s because I have a baby on my boob.  All the running around and picking up the house and playing with the kids is great cardio.
  2. Have four kids so you do not have time to eat.  Put everyone else first so you are the last one to sit down at the table.  Then have a baby that cries because it’s time for him to eat, and you are his food source.  Get up and feed your baby, get to the table as everyone else is cleaning up, and only eat a few bites of your meal that is now cold.  It isn’t as appetizing, so it’s easy to only a little bit.  Portion control!
  3. Have a toddler that has a bedtime.  I get even more cardio in every day because I run up and down the stairs 10 times a night because Harlow needs a glass of water, a hug, to tell me a secret,  wants me to do Mommy Magic to keep the monsters out.  She also wants me to  fill up her “Harlow Protector” (which is really a humidifier).  I try to be tough and tell her this is the last time I am coming up the stairs and she needs to go to bed, but let’s be honest…I’m her bitch.  Running up and down the stairs will get your legs nice and toned in no time!
  4. If you do get to eat, eat all your meals in front of your children.  Even if my kids decide that they’re not going to eat their meals for some reason (because honestly, they never like what’s in front of them)  my meal is the most delicious and appealing thing they have ever seen!  They just NEED to have it.  The other day at lunch, I made myself a turkey sandwich and made the mistake of sitting at the table with the kids. Jacek took my turkey, Harlow wanted my cheese, and I was left with bread and mayo. That’s one way to cut calories!
  5. Have a baby that is almost 20 pounds at 3 months old.  The actual act of being a mom to a giant baby is insta weight training.  Just carrying Callum around to do normal things has given me biceps of steal, a nice strong back, and strong glutes and hamstrings.  Picking him up and putting him down, bending down to pick up toys, wearing him while I vacuum, etc, is better than doing a weight training routine at the gym!
  6. Breastfeed, breastfeed, breastfeed!  This is an oldie but a goodie.  My kid likes to eat which means I’m burning calories just hanging out.  You can’t beat that!
  7. Invisalign.  I decided to get Invisalign at the beginning of January.  I’ve always been self-conscious about the slight crookedness and crowding of my teeth, and with the extra money I’ve been making with Beautycounter, I decided to do something for myself.  What I didn’t know was that it is a secret weight-loss system.  I have to wear these motherf*ckers 22 hours a day!  AND, I cannot eat with them in.  AND, if I do take them out to eat, I have to brush and floss my teeth before I put them back in.  Because I am lazy, I only take them out to eat when it is necessary.  Goodbye snacking during the day!

So, there you go new moms!  You now know the secret to post-baby weight loss!  Please let me know if you have any other tips and tricks!

(((All jokes aside, no matter what your weight is pre and/or post baby (or no baby!), I hope you all know that you are beautiful just the way you are!  I am happy with an imperfect body because my imperfections make me ME!  I’d rather focus on making fun memories with my family because to them that’s the perfect use of my time and energy.)))

 

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