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Lies Moms Tell on Mondays

If you are a working mom like me, you look forward to going in to work on Monday where you can have a small break from all of the demands that the little people you created (or acquired when you got married) put on you.  You come in, put your lunch in the fridge, grab a large cup of coffee and sit down at your desk.  As other coworkers do the same, conversations start and the question everyone asks each other is “How was your weekend?”  Here is where all of the lies moms tell on Mondays start.  Most moms will highlight all of the perfect stuff that happened over the weekend and what a wonderful time they had.  Others may say. “oh, we just kind of hung out…didn’t really do much.”  But in reality, they leave out all of the shitty stuff that goes on during the weekend when they have to manage the household, manage the kids, manage their partners, and manage the facade of a perfect life.  My mom lie for today was something like “it was great!  I got to spend Friday with all three kids.  We walked up to the ice cream shop and played outside for a bit.  Then when Mark got home, we all went to a friends house to swim and BBQ.  We had swim lessons on Saturday, went to a splash pad, and spent the afternoon as a family.  Sunday was low key.  We just went to my nephews baseball game and hung out the rest of the day.”  Sounds perfect, right?  Big fat LIE.

Here’s how I would actually respond to the “how was your weekend?” question without having to “mom lie”:

My weekend sucked. In fact, my weekend was a big ole shit show.  I work from home on Fridays and my work gives us half-day Fridays during the summer (another reason I love the company I work for).  Since MK didn’t have camp on Friday, I told our nanny that she didn’t need to come in.  I figured since MK would be home, she would be another set of eyes/hands/entertainment for the two younger kids while I worked.  Mark left the house by 6am (most likely to avoid us all and the morning commotion), and all three kids were up by 6:15.  I pretended I didn’t hear the “maaaammmaaaa….moooooommmmm…..maaaammmaaaa….MMMAAAAAMMMAAAAA”  coming from the room next door.  Then I thought the “MA!  MA! (incoherent gibberish) MA!” would eventually go away and the other kid would fall back asleep.  30 seconds later I heard the damn chimes of our TV turning on downstairs, and I knew since all three kids were up that I had to put on my mom pants and get up, too.

I went in to Harlow’s room and she asked in a sweet voice if I could hear her calling my name.  I lied and said I didn’t because I was sleeping.  We got Jacek up and ventured out of his room and towards the stairs.  Jacek is too little to go down the stairs by himself, so I have to carry him.  Harlow asked me to carry her, too.  I am 26.5 weeks pregnant.  My kids are large.  The last thing I wanted to do was carry both of them down the stairs.  I told Harlow she was a big girl and she could walk down the stairs herself.  She then got all sassy in her own threenager way and refused to walk down the stairs.  I walked downstairs, left her there, and knew from that moment that it was going to be a shitty day.  I needed a pot of coffee.

I got ZERO work done during the hours I should’ve been working.  I spent most of the morning chasing after Jacek who was climbing on everything, pulling the cat’s hair, hitting his sisters, and laying on the floor whining.  Harlow eventually came downstairs, only to tattle on everything Jacek was doing.  She refused to eat breakfast and complained all morning that MK didnt want to play the cupcake game with her.  Speaking of MK (my reason for telling our nanny not to come in that day), she was NO HELP AT ALL.  She had this innocent way of egging the little ones on and sitting back and watching.  It was 10am, I hadn’t showered yet, and the kids were driving me nuts.

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Yes, this is Jacek on the dining room table.  A glimpse at my morning…

I decided to quickly change out of my pajamas, throw the little ones in the double stroller, and get the hell out of the house.  The four of us walked 1.5 miles to the local ice cream shop.  We didn’t go there because I was the fun cool mom who was going to treat her kids to ice cream at 10:30am.  We went there because if we didn’t get out of the house, I was going to throw the kids out the window.  Strapping the kids in the double stroller was also a way to keep them contained for a portion of time so I didn’t have to chase after them.

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They look innocent and happy, don’t they?

We got to the ice cream shop and the guy told the kids that they could sample anything they wanted.  BIG MISTAKE.  MK painstakingly sampled EVERY SINGLE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM before choosing what she wanted.  The two little ones who were in the stroller were totally over it, and started whining and smacking each other.  I quickly got them some ice cream, we sat in the shop, ate, and left.  On the way home, Jacek kept trying to bite Harlow, so I got her out to walk.  We eventually made it home, I put a movie on, and they were content for a moment.  It was quickly time for lunch, and I did not think Jacek was going to make it through.  Apparently being a little jerk all morning tired him out.

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I put the little ones down for a nap after lunch and told MK to read quietly in her room.  I finally got some time to work, shower, and get semi ready for the day.  I only got semi ready because instead of taking a 2-3 hour nap like usual, the kids slept for about 1 hour.  I wanted to cry.  I got them all up, and we went outside until Mark got home from work.

I had this vision that Mark would get home, see the struggle in my eyes, and say “Baby, I got this.  Go take some time to yourself, get ready, and we’ll head out to the BBQ when you’re done.”  The opposite happened.  Mark came home, saw us outside and said “why aren’t you ready to go? You had all day!  Didn’t you get the pool bags packed?  Where’s the food we are bringing?  Why aren’t the kids ready to go?!?”  I burst into tears and ran inside.

Saturday was another “fun” day!  I woke up not feeling very well, but who cares?!? No one!  The kids were up by 6:30am, and luckily Mark is a morning person and got up with them.  But, since I have mom ears, I couldn’t go back to sleep because I heard every noise the kids were making downstairs.  I got up, had some coffee, and we were all out the door by 8:45am for swim lessons at 9:00am.  As Harlow and I were changing in the locker room, I was feeling quite sick.  The last thing I wanted to do was get in the pool with her.  I didnt have a choice because Harlow and Jacek are in the same class and need both Mark and I in the pool with them.  I thought maybe if I went to the bathroom before we started the lesson I’d feel better.  Unfortunately, I had to take Harlow into the stall with me.  As I tried to discreetly relieve my sickness, Harlow started asking “Mom, are you pooping?  Why are you pooping?”  Her words were echoing throughout the locker room.  I said, “Harlow, shhhh.  I need some privacy.”  Harlow’s reply “Why mom?  Why are you pooping?  Mom, it’s stinky.  Mom, you are stinky.  STINKY MOM!!  CAN I GET OUT?” Oh the joys of being a mom….and a pregnant mom at that who doesn’t always feel perfect.

After swim lessons, I took the kids to the splash pad/park while Mark was getting his haircut.  I still didn’t feel good, and each kid decided they wanted to go to different areas of the park.  MK wanted to play in the water, Jacek wanted to run to the slides, and Harlow wanted to swing.  I let MK do her thing and strapped both little kids into a swing because I sure as hell wasn’t going to chase Jacek through the giant jungle gym with the slides along with the other 700 people who were there for a birthday party.  The complaining started about 30 minutes into being there, and since my whole body felt like it was filled with lead, I decided to get the kids back in the car and drive back to the haircut place to pick Mark up.  I don’t know where else a men’s haircut takes over an hour, but apparently Mark’s hair chick is super chatty.  We waited in the car for what seemed like forever for him, and the kids let me know how they felt about that.

When we got home, Mark and MK took off again to go to a baseball game.  I gave the little ones lunch and put them down for naps.  Finally, I could lay down and get some rest.

NOPE!  The kids decided they weren’t going to nap!  They were singing, crying, yelling, etc for about an hour before I decided enough was enough and got them up.  We went downstairs and I did my best to keep it together.  Mark and MK got home, and he said “oh they’re up?!”  My chubby, tired, sick, pregnant self burst into tears again.  Mark came over and handed me the car keys and told me to just get out of the house.  I cried and said I didn’t have anywhere to go, so he told me to go upstairs and get some rest.  I did.  I felt like a new woman when I was done.

Sunday was a blur. And now I’m back at work and back to the grind…..and back to being able to poop in peace without someone telling the world about it.

I understand why moms tell lies on Mondays.  No one wants to hear about my imperfect weekend.  But, just so everyone knows, weekends like the one I had happen to everyone.  No matter how many perfect lies people like to tell on Mondays, the imperfect weekends are ones that we can look back and laugh at, because without imperfect weekends, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the perfect ones.  Here’s to hoping I get one next weekend!

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Lies Moms Tell on Mondays

  1. So true! Love this post. As I sit here at work happy that I can SIT and eat my lunch in peace while it is still HOT. lol. And I only have 1 child, a 2 year old.

    Like

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